She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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