I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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