Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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