Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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