I murdered the dance floor call the cops
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
