It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
