rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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