just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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