I haven't been this sober since birth.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
