A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
