watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
