she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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