So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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