i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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