can u get pink eye on your cock?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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