You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just googled if crying burns calories
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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