I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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