If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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