It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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