god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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