He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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