Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My cat gives me a boner
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
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