her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
