You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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