i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
