my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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