You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
