Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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