This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
