I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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