It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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