Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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