So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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