I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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