I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
