sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
