It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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