My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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