I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
