i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
