somebody snuck up and got me drunk
even my farts smell like vagina
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
