apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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