My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
