Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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