We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize