sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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