I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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