This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
