I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
