Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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