oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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