Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
