Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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