By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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