last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
