I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
