I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
