So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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