I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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