he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize