Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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