"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
as a side note pls kill me
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